God, do I ever need you! I pray that you guard my tongue, cleanse my soul, and kill my pride. I seek silence, peace, and humility at a time where I’m getting worn down by my personal devil, the one that gets so alluring and cozy that he hitches a ride and bullies me to carry him around like a brand new backpack. He’s awfully heavy because he latches on to my strengths and makes them weaker, yet I adjust the straps and make it more comfortable, so he lingers because I get better at hanging out with him.
Specifically, he tempts me to use my words to fight, make a point, lose, and get ridiculed by people who would gladly watch me cry, crumble, and crack. Guess what? I’ve done those things in the privacy of my own home. Naturally, the devil on my back knows this, but he prefers when I go public with my hurt feelings. He gets to take credit for this. He keeps score.
How can I expect more from another when I sin every day, hour, minute, and sometimes BAMBAMBAM: three seconds in a row? It’s exhausting to sin yet judge; pity yet be pathetic; cry yet cause others to wail. Quite an imperfect group of misfits fill the world, and I’m one of them. I am always losing my keys, and one of those is repentance. The devil probably hid it in the backpack.
I must continue to love, accept, forgive, and seek guidance. Thank you, Lord, for the wonderful world that my shaded eyes tend to miss due to my greatest sin: PRIDE. I truly want to be smaller, a speck, a grain of sand, yet I still wish to be an important part of humanity that loves me the way I expect them to. There’s the problem, you see, because I can’t expect anything of anyone. Rejection is rough, tough, and, as much as I hate to admit, necessary. It gets me to look in the mirror and realize who I don’t want to be. It gets me to connect with my soul and realize who I rather be.
I wish to be better tomorrow: that means to give more thanks, apologies, forgiveness, and hope. God willing, I get to keep working on me and choose God instead of that devil! I so wish you can look at me and someday say, “Damn, that girl is bright, and she spreads loads of love, laughter, and sunshine.” If only. If only.
4 thoughts on “God: Can you empty a devil from my backpack?”
Take heart. We are all in the same predicament. Anyway from what I see (read) you are pretty perfect. But hey, that doesn’t mean stop trying!
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Thank you, Chuck, but I am only perfectly imperfect! Thank you for reading and continuing to encourage me. I hope you are still writing 🙂 Wishing you the best in your new home, surrounded by family. Shine on!
You do shine brightly with love MOST of the time! Your prayer is one we all need, and I appreciate the brutal honesty of that supplication for my own soul. My mother taught me to say, “Get thee behind me, Satan,” when I am struggling with that devil wanting to lead the way. You mentioned such wonderful and worthy goals: forgiveness, gratitude, repentance, acceptance, hope. Thanks for the timely reminder.
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Thank you! Everyday is an opportunity to latch on to the light and a temptation not to. Your mother was filled with solid advice. May her Memory and lessons be eternal.