The Attempted Art of Picking and Sticking yourself into Bathing Suits

Ladies, I have a method that eases the pain of finding a bathing suit that you won’t want to cover up with a snowsuit. Snow bunnies are cute, but ‘tis the summer season, the time for extra exposure. We are all different shapes, sizes, ages, and skin tones, so finding what can highlight our favorite body parts while camouflaging the others is tricky with such small quantities of material.  

Bathing suit shopping takes time and energy that I would rather spend doing at home, so I think the best way is to order bathing suits online from an establishment with a Try Before you Buy option or good return policy.

It’s good to know your style preferences, but since I didn’t, I had over twenty various suits sent to me (FYI – We have a pool, so it’s my summer uniform.) Women have many more options than men, and if there are any guys reading this, I dare you to try on a modern women’s swimsuit (that ends in “kini”), then report back and let us know how that went. You can slip into a: bikini, trikini, tankini, halterkini, monokini, or microkini.

I like skirted bottoms that help hide upper thigh cellulite and bikini rash bumps. Since I have a small chest, I often pick bikini tops with extra padding, but let me just share that it takes a sultry summer week to dry out the thick, absorbent cups (even size A-). One-piece bathing suits are making a comeback, and they are super sassy and work wonders for the long torsoed lady. Since I am built like a bowling pin, I can’t pull them off.  Not to mention that this style makes me feel vacuum sealed. Because of my smaller top/bigger bottom shape, I don’t really have much luck with two-piece sets either, so it’s all about mixing and matching.

Back to choices. I told my petite teenage girls to avoid cheeky bottoms when I read the ad: We love all booties and we cannot lie. Made with love & cheekier peek!  Those pieces would work better as an eye patch. My girls told me that is not the way to wear a cheeky. Well, in my pool it is, and they need to keep those cabooses covered. 

Now let’s think color. Select shades that look good on you. I have a lot of bathing suits that are black and navy. Not ivory or white.  For Heaven’s sake, never white! I’m white and would look like a ghost. I say let the Victoria’s Secret Angels wear their wings and cheekys in white. Yes, white is perfect for those Angels.  

Make patterns work to your advantage. There’s an ongoing debate whether horizontal stripes make you fatter, flatter, or matter. If you like them, (I do) wear them. I prefer polka dots, paisley, and flowers. This summer, I went wild and picked out a top with lemons and a solid yellow bottom. It’s become my new favorite. I think cherries, starfish, anchors, and palm trees are cute-suit themes, but avoid the tops and bottoms where there are two objects planted, one for each breast and/or bun.

I am a lover of words but suggest avoiding swimsuit-signs with sayings. I’ve seen these: Juicy; Got Milk?; Tacos, Tequila & Tan Lines; Party Animal, Bride, Dope, Blessed, Sun Your Buns, and Bae Watch. Uhh…No way, Bae!  

When your potential swimwear arrives, take the boxes to a room with a full-length mirror. I prefer going to my bedroom where I can lock the door and dim the lights. Remove the spandex creatures from their little bags and let them breathe while you go get ready.

Before you disrobe, there are things to put on to add a little pizazz to your private modeling session. First, you need some music. I prefer Jimmy Buffett Radio to put me in the mood for going poolside.  

Next get spruced up. Put on some bright lipstick, high heels, and fake tanner so your skin is glowing.

Put on a fan to blow your hair and soft waves. No waves? Sport a sassy wig for fun. Must add earrings. I prefer large hoops to give me a Caribbean flair.  

If you want to look even better to yourself, put on sunglasses. Rose colored help.  

Now you’re ready. Slip into, pull on, and tug and tie the pieces and give a little spin. Can you make a graceful pirouette? No worries if not. Now make a duck face. Try a pouty face. Smile!

Discover your bathing suit pose and be sure to replicate that when you are at the pool or beach. I myself like my arms elongated on a chair, shoulders back, abs tucked, and ankles crossed while flexing my calves.  You may not want to actually go swimming due to the oxygen depletion that can occur from sucking in your tummy. If determined to go for a dip condition yourself by practicing short exhales, little Lamazelike breaths.

Hopefully you had a comfortable and possibly fun modeling session for yourself and realize your essential beauty. In reality, when you need to wear your bathing suit, I’m sure you won’t be in high heels and will more than likely be wearing flip-flops in the bright sunlight with little wind to blow your tresses (or wig). Don’t deny yourself outdoor fun at beaches, islands, and lakes because you are extra exposed.  Go with the jiggle and wiggle and giggle! 

Of course, there are always accessories like pool cover ups, sarongs, dresses, and straw hats, but don’t try to cover every ounce of flesh with clothing, just sunscreen.  Shine on!