Dear Mother Nature,
I want to start by saying I love you and all that you do, but I must voice this complaint from Northwestern PA. Three days ago, the calendar marked the start of spring, yet I woke to a fresh layer of snow. Also you blew my garbage can over, again; you did that two weeks ago and caused me a lot of problems, remember? In case you forgot, read White Trash All Over the Place.
I know you have localized weather-helpers all over the world to sprinkle out the appropriate temperatures, precipitation, and wind chill, so the newbie in charge of the Crawford County area is not doing her job! I fear she may have seasonal affective disorder, like so many of my neighbors craving vitamin D. I hope your employee can get out of this confusing slump where she drops snowshine instead of sunflakes.
As a part-time sunshine, I would help, but I’ve been laid off for months due to budget cuts. They won’t recharge my sunrays until my job is reinstated. I know you’re busy, but I would be grateful if you would put in a word to put more of us back in the sky. My territory demands extra sunshines, and I’m ready to get back up there and do my thing.
Anyhow, please help her heat the thermometer and send us some blooms, bluer skies, and bunnies. The only bunnies I have gotten near are chocolate ones, and I fear I’ll keep eating off their ears (the best part) if I don’t get some genuine spring weather here!
Thank you for your time and concern. I look forward to a warmer forecast after you expedite a solution to this seasonal mix up.
Your loyal friend,
P.S. I would appreciate you keeping this complaint confidential. Your staff member may become my superior, and I don’t want to cause any dissent.