Trash Talk Part II

CONTINUED from previous post: Trash Talk

Speaking of replacements, I had to order a new garbage bin because the attached lid broke.

Unhinged, it could no longer cover odors or prevent dumpster diving raccoons. These bins put up with a lot of abuse, getting banged up, flipped over, and thrown down, so I’m surprised mine stayed intact for nearly twenty years.

Too bad more things weren’t built to last as long as today’s heavy-duty polyethylene trash bin. I have appliances with the lifespan of a mayfly.

The sanitation company customer service rep instructed me to put my broken bin in a visible spot for the broken bin collector (not Wil or Joe) who should exchange it within 72-hours.

That meant I had to take it away from its private, shady spot against the garage and leave it at the top of the driveway during a heat wave. As long as the bin was collected in three days, I wouldn’t have to put my kitchen, bathroom, and basement trash out.

Here’s the thing. I am embarrassed of my smelly trash. I can air out dirty laundry with stains but dirty trash… NOPE! And it accumulates quickly here. We are homebodies and eat three meals a day which means there’s a heap of scraps and shells that aren’t meant for composting.

The week (not three days) that my trash bin had to wallow in stench in front of the whole hood, we had shrimp and crab legs. Holy mackerel! Mix that in with bags of dog doo, vacuum dirt, and chicken wing bones and you have one putrid trash can. Poor trashed thing stood up there scorched in humiliation like Hester Prynne of the Scarlet Letter. Oh the public scorn.

And to think of the stink affecting my neighbors. I mean, by day five, it smelled like a toxic soup, at least it did to my sensitive nostrils that became cursed after my pregnancies. Try teaching in a middle school with such a staunch sniffer.

What if those young bike riders passed my driveway and wrecked from the reek? What if a meditating walker took a whiff instead of a breath and passed out on my lawn? Should I put a canopy over the VISIBLE trash bin and stop it from boiling? Should I spray it with Febreeze? Should I lure a skunk over with apples (do they like apples?) and get it to spray my can so everyone smells the skunk instead of my rotting junk?

I kept calling the sanitation department to check on the status of my order. “We apologize for the delay, but someone will be there soon to fulfill your exchange. If you want to talk to an actual operator, please hold on until your trash further ferments in fumes.” Did I seriously hear that? C’mon.

Finally, the new can arrived, the afternoon AFTER garbage day, so One L Wil and his helper emptied the broken bin and left it for the very late broken-bin collector.

Phew! Special delivery: The Gift that Keeps on Taking (but is best left in the shade).

Sing it with me now:

95-gallons of trash to be hauled
95-gallons of trash…
You take it all out
For the trash truck route
95-gallons of trash to be hauled